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The British Sense of Humour

MORE SEASIDE POSTCARD HUMOUR!

 

PUNS

'Puns' are jokes that play with words.

Here are some examples:

Why did the man throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly!

Sometimes when I'm bored, l make spaghetti just to PASTA time away.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Damn."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

How do you know if you've met a Korean vampire? He doesn't have a Seoul.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

In London, one man to another:
A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman"
B: "Oh, really?"
A: "No, O'Reilly"

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A: Did you hear about the guy with the corduroy pillow?
B: No, I didn't.
A: Really? It made headlines!

If lawyers are disbarred and priests defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? (Teachers, of course, would be declassified!)

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them; but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

Boyfriend: What is your favourite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

What do you call a male ladybird? 

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mum! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

A Polar bear walks into an English 'fish and chip' shop and says to the person taking the order, "I'll have a Cola and ............................................................................... large fish and chips ." The order taker asks, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

Did you hear about the medical student who got in trouble for performing an operation?
He removed the appendix from his medical textbook.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finish(ed)?"
The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

 

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